No Such Thing As Too Many Critics

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Ever since I realized that watching movies could be a career, I've wanted to be a professional film critic. Sure, I had other ideas for jobs growing up - actor, teacher, pro wrestling writer, filmmaker, videographer, editor and Superman - but film critic was always at the top.

In 6th grade, I entered a "Wag the Dog" review into a student writing contest. In 7th grade, my class wrote essays on our best friends. Everybody else chose a person, while I chose cinema itself. Every summer, I'd visit my cousins and when we'd watch movies, they would call me Siskel. And now, I have my own blog and rate movies by the beer through MovieBoozer. I think I can say that I've reached amateur status, but...

"How do you get a full-time job doing this? Damned if I know!" - Dan Kimmel

In order to become the professional critic I know I can be, I need to get paid for my opinions. In order to get paid for my opinions, I need to get hired. And in the current economic climate, no move to get hired is too bold.

To any publishers and editors that may be reading this, I offer not only my thanks, but a list of things I can do for you as a critic:

1. Review movies.

Of course, as a critic, my primary function would be to rate films. But, it's one thing to simply add a star rating to the latest Katherine Heigl snore fest, it's another to properly articulate why it should be avoided. With keen eyes and ears for detail, I notice things - tone, awkward dialogue and line reads, camera work, production news, etc - that will help any reader make a decision regarding a ticket purchase. And, with a little personality, I can make sure they will return to read another review. 

2. Local and National movie events.

Through social networking, independent theatres and film organizations are able to promote special events and screenings. I can preview such events, as well as cover them. Twitter, for example, has provided critic's the opportunity to cover film festivals and screenings live for readers who may not be able to attend. Using a laptop or smartphone, I can cover an event as it's happening. If the event is a televised awards show (Academy Awards, Golden Globes), I can provide up to the minute commentary, and converse with other readers.

3. Editorials.

I've written entries on special topics, from proposing a film screening to offering my take on a movie news story. As a critic, I can write pieces expressing my views on a local film production, how a news story might affect readers, DVD / movie streaming picks and even do recurring articles on movie history in a particular area. There is an unlimited amount of specialty content that I can provide.

4. Interviews.

Through many a google search, I've been able to contact several independent filmmakers, in an effort to track down their hard to find films. I can continue to do this, as well as ask some questions that would give readers some insight into the filmmaking process.

If interested, please read my other posts on this blog, as well as my writings on MovieBoozer and Invade Nola.

Some people wanted to be astronauts, while I wanted to discuss "Apollo 18". Others wanted to own a dalmatian, while I wanted to rip apart the "101 Dalmatians" sequel. We critics are a rare breed.

Your Trailer Told Me You Suck

My parent's told me that when I was little, I would get more excited for the TV commercials than the TV shows. Now, at 26, I've traded in Bart Simpson with his Butterfingers for Liam Neeson fighting wolves. Of course, I'm at the theater for the feature presentation, but I get a real kick out of the previews; the short, two minute bursts of action that leave you laughing and frustrated or impressed and interested.

I say laughing and frustrated because, more often than not, I come upon a trailer that just rubs me the wrong way; a stupid line/line read, generic pacing, spoiler footage, etc. First impressions are very important, and most of the time, I'm shaking my head before the movie even gets released:

1. "Unknown"

I provided the tv spot for this movie as it includes one line that ruined the WHOLE film for me. A bad guy says to Liam Neeson "You really don't remember anything". Liam looks at him, and responds, "I remember how to kill you!". WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?! Is the bad guy some sort of mutant that can only be destroyed by hitting it in the back of the head? Killing another human being is universal knowledge with plenty of viable methods. They just wrote that line so that Liam can be an action hero bad ass, without thinking that it makes him come off like a moron.

2. "Skyline"

Now, I've already written about why this movie sucks as a whole. But, believe it or not, I actually thought that the first trailer was pretty good: by showing us little real footage, and using actual news footage made the movie seem mysterious and intriguing. When the second trailer rolled around, I was pretty excited. Decent special effects, interesting alien invasion, Eric Balfour screaming and crying into the sky... THAT'S how you want to sell your movie? By showing a clip of a grown man acting like a girl scout? Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

3. "Safe"

I first saw this trailer when I went to go see "Haywire". For starters, it ran after the trailer for "Safe House" - kind of an odd pairing. Then, we get a generic description of a criminal underworld, before the narrator tells us that the most wanted character in the story is...a little girl. The build up and pay off to all that made this seem like a comedy. And when we are introduced to Jason Statham - dressed like a hobo but is really the greatest ex cop ever - I KNOW it's a comedy. Problem is, it's not billed as an over the top, larger than life action film - it's all taken too seriously. Give me a Charles Bronson style ridiculous fest, and I just might buy a ticket. Try to be an action drama with a been there done that story, and I just might cough up my popcorn while cackling.

No matter how bad they can be, I always make sure I arrive in time for the trailers. Yes, I may roll my eyes before wanting to gouge them out, but, more often than not, I'm laughing. Maybe some previews are meant to be hilariously bad? Or maybe I'm giving too much credit.